I’m beginning to grow tired at the young age of 19. Whether I’m a typical teenager going through a phase or an old soul trapped in a young body is irrelevant to me at this point. I’m exhausted. For the first time in almost fourteen years of formal education, I can actually feel my soul deflate and crack. The type of weariness that only comes after years of putting up with everything and by the end you let yourself take a break because finally you can.
I am the type of person that practically goes visible and invisible at the same time. It’s simple. You go visible enough to work hard, earn good grades, join clubs here and there, just enough visibility to be more than average. But at the same time I’m the invisible one that no one really cares to be persuasively invited into other people’s most intimate circle of friendship, the must-have of any social circle. I could quit and disappear and doubt that anyone with sincerely bat an eyelid. I’m that person whose achievements rarely get appreciated because I was expected to. The congratulations are social conventions that do not even justify my efforts… Because it was expected. Other friends in the circle get so much appreciation and so much questions how they did it but when I mention mine there was very little to ask…. Because it was expected. Nobody would even question how hard it was nor recognize how many times I broke down and cried to achieve one thing. It’s honestly hard to be proud about something people think is easy for one to achieve.
In the end, it makes me question if ever anybody really knows me. Because if they do, they’d know how much it means to me to achieve something I’ve worked hard on. They’d know how much it hurts to hear them take very lightly of my achievements when I’ve busted my ass off. But at the end of the day when I finished my final defense, the circle of friends I thought was my family barely got excited for me. Other things were more important. Just for some of the times that really count, I wish I could be important as well. I wish nobody would expect so they’d see how hard it is it took me to win. This is probably the reason why I’m growing cold to them. I couldn’t cry for them anymore… But a facade goes on.
I’ve grown weary deep down. I’m beginning to be uncaring and cold and distant the more they accept the mascot I’m portraying that I’m alright the way they dismiss me.
I am THAT type of person. The type an institution can boost when it is for their best interest and image. But the type of person that does not get an invitation to join the search for a most outstanding bs while others get informed. It’s confusing to know when you matter and when you do not.
But now, I’m beginning not to give a crap. I’m exhausted and I’m retreating back while I let my shell face the them. Nobody… Will ever get close to me again the way I let them before. Nobody from them will ever know when I’m being real or not. Because that’s how shallow they’ve been to me.