The Gray Area

What is the word for waiting for something that might never come? With all the interpretations in the world – hopeful, optimistic, stupid, or even being a hopeless romantic – no one can really tell the right word during the moment you’re waiting. I like to believe I’m being hopeful, reserved and respectable. But alone or not, influenced by environment or not, I know deep in my heart I’m lonely.

What is the word for being torn between having the courage to pursue a classic love and having the patience to pursue a future love that might never even exist? I like to believe that I’m bettering myself rather than running away by being in between. I like to believe that I can be strong against the temptation of familiarity, but I’ve always found my wings too damaged to go further anyway.

Is there such a thing as love being your primary destiny? Because the further away I go with everything else in my life, the less I feel happy and the less I feel complete. It’s not right. The logical part of my brain knows that. It’s not right to feel that way because love should come in harmony with life, it’s not supposed to be the main objective. Love is not something to be pursued, they said, but only people who pursue things get them.

Whenever I decide to look forward, I discover I don’t have the strength to go. The unfamiliar is scary when you want nothing more than just… stability. Maybe that’s why going back is so tempting. Being in the in-between is a struggle, but it’s safer than going either way. And maybe that’s the problem, safer is better. Adventure, excitement is only tempting when you’re in the height of it, but in truth it’s scary when you know what’s waiting in the end — heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak.

Maybe the career angle is my quick fix instead of addressing issues in my love life? What if it doesn’t matter to me as much as love does? But why go there when centuries have proven that it is never the right thing to do? Maybe all throughout this time I’ve thought I’m moving forward, I’ve never really moved?

Albert Einstein said that stupidity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. But what about that gut feeling – that maybe the next time around I could do it better. Maybe things could end up differently. Am I not supposed to satisfy that curiosity? And what if I do decide to do so, do I really have the courage to face the consequence of failing? So I go back – to the middle ground of doing nothing. Forever staying in the safe and never to the worst or great.

How do you escape a limbo when you’re too scared to face the pain of the consequence of leaving?


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