WARNING: Not suitable for audiences who dislike ranting.
For two almost four weeks now, I’ve been in the most emotionally distressing days of my life that my sister is actually calling this my delayed puberty stage. Probably because I haven’t really acted out before; to be fair though, I haven’t been this stressed before from various source. When my love life was crumbling beyond fixing, I was able to redirect focus on other things. Unfortunately for me at this moment, everywhere I turn my attention to is falling beyond repair.
The day before start of law school, I was so set at not going through for personal reasons. I wanted law school, but only in circumstances I so desire. For the first time I was gonna study a degree I actually wanted, I wanted to offer my very best and make it the best years of my life. But I was being forced to swallow through the pain of not getting that circumstance. That day, I just wanted to go away and didn’t come home. I went to a friend’s house and made arrangements of running away as soon as I could. But then again even if I could run away, I wouldn’t be able to do anything because my birth certificate was still defective. Getting a job anywhere would be a waste of effort even given my degree. So I came back. To be honest the only thing that made me thankful I went back was my little sister hugging me upon my return.
Kicking the week in law school were being forced out of the house we’ve been living in for ten years. A few months ago, my hypocrite of an uncle with his equally upsetting wife came to stay at the house. The favorites of my grandmother have taken residence at their intended heirloom and their forces altogether could not have destroyed my mother faster. My relatives being nice to our (me and my sisters) faces sickened me so much every time I remember the way they constantly talk about our family. If people could read it themselves without context, they would think we were the scum of the earth who never deserved to live. Those words came from the very people who goes to Church every Sunday by the way. They literally call us devils. We’ve been having peace in our residence for a decade, and the moment my uncle and his newlywed wife came to stay for just a little bit longer than what they used to… we’re being forced out. A witch grandmother do not just exist in Hansel and Gretel; and the evil queen can come in the world represented by uncle and aunt.
Following this incident was the resurfacing of my only love’s remembrance of pain. The phrase “I gave him plenty of chances of getting back with you but he didn’t want to…” coming from your past boyfriend’s current lover do not amiss in putting a blade through my already-fragile heart. After more than three years I was still being slapped with the reality that I was such a terrible girlfriend. Imagine the only person you love in this entire world happens to be the one who will never ever reciprocate your feelings again. There goes my love life down the trash chute and well on its way to the incinerator. The worst part is trying to ask comfort from your sisters and the only thing you’ll get back is total annihilation. Apparently, they’re allowed to be unwell from exes but I’m not. Apparently because I do not deal with love life the way they do, my problems aren’t valid. I love my sisters to death but you cannot count on them to be empathic in these types of things.
When school is a pain, family is a disaster and love life was wreaking havoc in my being, instead of turning to drugs and alcohol I turned my full focus in volunteer work three years ago. In all fairness, it really does get you away from being a delinquent when your world has gone topsy turvy. Unfortunately, I cannot turn towards it this time for it is also in the process of vomiting me out if its system. The ‘kuya’ who promised we’ll still be family despite leaving the branch turned immediately cold when he left. The president I was serving left me hanging without so much as a discussion before turning in his resignation leaving me with the responsibilities I cannot entertain entering law school. If my mom is learning not to trust promises from her mother, I learned not to trust promises from these people. Betrayal cuts deep. Now the organization I’m supposed to be the vice president are having events I only come to know in Facebook pictures. My invitation keeps getting lost in the mail, I think.
When all of these were spiraling, I have noticed a pattern. Whenever I turn to seek counseling from my sisters, I always get the response that somehow my concerns do not validate as problems because the family is going through worse. I am not allowed to have my own problems because they are not as big as everyone else’s so I tried testing this hypothesis. Because of the residence transition going slowly, I am away from internet most of the time. This has caused me to falter from my scholastic activities, and with my personality that was frustrating me. Being an academic was my thing and I could not do it right. When I talked to my sister about it, I faked my reaction, making it look like I don’t mind my problems because I recognize that she and my mom have bigger problems. The moment she actually clapped and praised me for being mature, I sincerely exploded inside. SO I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE HAVE BIGGER ISSUES. Fuck not having books at law school right? If only I could smash them inside my classes for them to realize they’re not the ones going through the frustration of it all. Again, I love my sisters to death but you cannot count on them to be empathic in these types of things.
Last night was the last straw. Law school is not the place where you can just show up and go with the ride without even knowing what the required reading was. It was all about advance studying, and even though nobody is giving me the credit for making up the loss of books by any means I could think of, I was trying to make do and I my efforts are still futile. So when I learned from my last subject that there was posted coverage of quiz that I wasn’t able to check because I didn’t have internet so late of notice, I came in knowing zit and failed my quiz. People had photocopies and books of these provisions from Rules of Court and that sent me panicking. If it wasn’t for a friend who convinced me to stay, I would’ve ran away.
Last night, I wasn’t able to sleep at all. It was emotionally disturbing to feel that despite efforts, I cannot cope up. And I’m supposed to understand I cannot buy books. I’m actually ashamed for graduating summa cum laude in my undergrad. I’m supposed to understand my problems are not valid because they’re not as big as what people around me are going through. This was what I was avoiding why I didn’t want to enter law school if we couldn’t do it. I wanted to enjoy law school, to fail knowing I was able to do my best, NOT CRAWL THROUGH IT. I wonder what would’ve happened if I held my ground. And maybe they’re right — maybe my problems are not valid.
I wish parents can see that their child is more than just a unit of a family. A child is an individual with own personality and feelings, with own ways of coping up and seeing things… not someone you can just morph into the family belief and family issues just because. Last night I decided I surrender… not just in law school, in life at its whole. I don’t want to play anymore. People are so good at invalidating my problems they only recognize it when it affects them, I can do that too. I’ll just keep failing at it until it goes away and invalidate THEIR problems.