Life Experiences

How long have you been pretending?

Have you ever had a confrontation that worked so well at your imagination yet when in the actual scenario, you just… ran away?

When I started my journey of being the person I want to be, the more have I started to feel like I’m a stranger of my own self. It struck me so hard that I had a simple homework to do and I still haven’t got to it.

When our class was asked to create a 3-slide presentation of ourselves, I seemed to have had a moment of existential crisis. I am aware that each person has his/her uniqueness and I couldn’t figure out mine. The point of the activity was not just to introduce general information but to create a presentation that emphasizes ourselves. What does make me worthy of my own name?

When you’re asked what you want, do you really know what you want?

Because when you’re asked what type of girl or boy do you want, do you say things like ‘simple’ and ‘kind’ because that’s what you really want or that’s what looks good to want? Because most people I know who say ‘I just like a gentleman’ and ‘It doesn’t matter if she’s pretty as long as she’s nice’ end up cheating their partners for sexier or thinner or more popular choices; or you know, ending up choosing an overconfident good-looking douche or an insecure social-centered girl and not the quiet, considerate gentleman and the loving, respectable woman.

By this point, most people would be in denial, the very few would have been proud of the choices they’ve made for the past years and the very next few would have an instant realization the same I went through. For the people in the last group, cheers mate.

It was so easy to introduce yourself back in elementary and high school, isn’t it? But in college and above, the question is not really ‘who are you?’ but ‘what makes you unique?’ If you’re the type of person who knows what you want and who you are at the moment, you probably think I’m crazy. I applaud you.

With the rest of the general population, the truth is, we say things like ‘This isn’t what I want,’ ‘this isn’t me,’ and ‘this isn’t the direction I wanted’ but when we’re asked ‘what do you want?’ we have to take a long pause and figure out an answer. The moment you do give something, it’s something irrational or unreasonable or sometimes pretentious.

There’s one thing I’ve learned though: I don’t expect to find whatever it is I’m looking for. I should make it. The realization that you can make whatever you want in life and create your self is more terrifying than actually knowing what’s meant for you and reaching for it.

I guess it’s disappointing that I don’t actually have a satisfying ending in this article. Trust me, I’m more disappointed that I haven’t figured out a way out of this way more than you are. This was just a moment when I’ve realized I have nothing to say on who I am and what I want with my life. I know that all of us want something good, perhaps a striving career or a nice family, a good image or popularity, a trophy girlfriend or boyfriend because they’re so nice to be displayed in our Facebook or Instagram posts, a promotion, an award, and other stuff that provide convenience and good feelings to ourselves… But why aren’t those dreams deep enough in motivating us to go to work every day or do something productive every day or seeking love and attention from a third party than seeking them from our partners? Maybe because, that’s not what we REALLY want?


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