Dependence. Independence. Interdependence.

I realized that I have been emotionally dependent for most of my life. If I could, I would travel back in time and stop myself from blaming people for the negative emotions I felt – emotions that I thought gave me the right to be a cold-hearted, selfish person I am today.

I apologize to acquaintances, whom I’ve briefly come across, that I’ve judged because of the way they treated me. No matter how you treated me for our short encounters did not give me the right to brand you as someone displeasing to other people.

I apologize to friends whom I’ve shut because of how unfairly I felt I’ve been treated. it was a hasty and emotionally-driven decision to shut you out. I realize that it was not the backstabbing, the acts of pushing me out of the circle, nor making me feel unimportant was the core of my decision to shut you out of my life; but my crave for social acceptance. Your acceptance. I understand now how you could see me as an overly dramatic introvert. I truly do love and treasure you yet I failed to communicated that in a proper manner.

I apologize to my ex, whose unfaithfulness I blamed for our failed relationship for years. It was my dependence on your reciprocation of my love that drilled the holes in our foundation and caused it to collapse. I understand now how you could say I was always too proud of myself. I hope you could laugh now as heartily as I did then when I thought that was ridiculous. Because the reality is that on the contrary, I had so low self-esteem that your acceptance of me  was the highest measure of my self-worth. I felt threatened at every moment I’d feel I wasn’t important to you anymore that it just drove me mad and made me do dramatic things. That wasn’t a relationship was supposed to be and I’m sorry for putting you through that.

Lastly, I apologize to myself. Where we are right now is all my fault. I’m sorry we have lost our sense of self and sense of worth — no, in fact I’m sorry we didn’t have that for the last 19 years of our existence. Living up to expectations and following the rules of the society was the best I could do, what I’ve always thought was the right thing to do. Now we’re almost 20 and stuck at the phase of ‘figuring things out’ instead of facing adulthood with our head high, chest out and hands clasped on our waist. I’m sorry I’ve ruined most of our valued relationships. I’m sorry I didn’t know better.

But now I have the ability to.

This moement is not about making people see how much I’ve grown. It is about making people see the total opposite, the true state of what I am right now. I am a child learning its way into the world, not how it’s supposed to but how it freely chooses to.

Like what Audrey said in Pitch Perfect 2, “Sometimes you need to break things down before you can bring them back up.” And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I am not building myself up right now so I hope people don’t expect me to be mature, reliable and grown up. I am breaking myself down to have a fundamental understanding on how I react to situations to know where I feel genuine. Because I want to be genuine, not some trash or success story the circumstances shape me to be.

I am learning not to be dependent on the external forces that affect my everyday life. I am learning to be independent so that I can affect the external forces in my life. I trust that if I have a positive energy, I will attract positive energy. And by the time I reach that, I can learn to attain the supreme rule of life — interdependence.

It is a journey I do not expect to last within hours, days or months. I am not in a rush. I do not want this to be tactical decision. I want this to be a strategic direction. After all, I only have one lifetime to love. What do I have to live for afterwards?

It is not a journey I expect people to stick with me either. If you’re thinking I’m being difficult right now, imagine how I’m feeling handling myself right now. Haha. I’m draining almost 20 years of set paradigms and culture of what should be from my system.

 

 

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