I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the many ways I’ve hurt you
I’m sorry that I was selfish for pushing you to be the ideal partner
I’m sorry that it took a hell trip to get home from Manila at 1 am to appreciate all the text messages you sent me while you’re on your way home
I’m sorry that I was clingy, always wanting to be part of every day of your life
I’m sorry for getting mad when I wish to be with you but you can’t
I’m sorry for still getting mad even though I knew it was absolutely reasonable you couldn’t meet me
I’m sorry for my childish, irrational decisions
I’m sorry for being angry at small things just so you would soothe my feelings
I’m sorry for always expecting you to understand
I’m sorry that I cry too much and too often
I’m sorry I became so paranoid of you cheating on me that I was always suspecting you
I’m sorry I wasn’t as mature and patient as you expected
I’m sorry I was so idealistic
I’m sorry I was flawed
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.

But, thank you.

Thank you for recognizing and acknowledging my existence
Thank you for letting me meet your wonderful family
Thank you for the years of understanding and care
Thank you for making me realize what I lack in character
Thank you for crushing me so hard I wanted to be strong
Thank you for bearing my mood swings that I wanted to be stable
Thank you for being mad at me because I was eager to learn empathy
Thank you for making me taste reality
Thank you for making me realize that love and relationship are two different things

But most importantly…

Thank you for trashing me that I want to be someone worth keeping
Thank you for pushing me so far so many times I’m learning to walk away
Thank you for hurting me so much I appreciate being happy
Thank you for giving up so I can let go
Thank you for choosing her that someone loyal can choose me.

I sincerely hope that both of you are happy…

Because I cried so many times
Because you wounded me for her
Because you would rather have her than be a loyal partner
Because our friends think I’m a liar when you said she was your cousin
Because I hated being replaced that I drove people away
Because I hated myself for being worthless
Because I realized I was unlovable
Because I became a rebound when I thought I had another chance
Because you broke me to build something with her
Because I became more of a wreck.

Because for all the anxiety, depression and self-destruction I’ve experienced…

I sure hope she’s damn well worth it.

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