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The Stray Star

Random Thoughts of a Random Girl

Clairvoyance

Dependence. Independence. Interdependence.

I realized that I have been emotionally dependent for most of my life. If I could, I would travel back in time and stop myself from blaming people for the negative emotions I felt – emotions that I thought gave me the right to be a cold-hearted, selfish person I am today.

I apologize to acquaintances, whom I’ve briefly come across, that I’ve judged because of the way they treated me. No matter how you treated me for our short encounters did not give me the right to brand you as someone displeasing to other people.

I apologize to friends whom I’ve shut because of how unfairly I felt I’ve been treated. it was a hasty and emotionally-driven decision to shut you out. I realize that it was not the backstabbing, the acts of pushing me out of the circle, nor making me feel unimportant was the core of my decision to shut you out of my life; but my crave for social acceptance. Your acceptance. I understand now how you could see me as an overly dramatic introvert. I truly do love and treasure you yet I failed to communicated that in a proper manner.

I apologize to my ex, whose unfaithfulness I blamed for our failed relationship for years. It was my dependence on your reciprocation of my love that drilled the holes in our foundation and caused it to collapse. I understand now how you could say I was always too proud of myself. I hope you could laugh now as heartily as I did then when I thought that was ridiculous. Because the reality is that on the contrary, I had so low self-esteem that your acceptance of me  was the highest measure of my self-worth. I felt threatened at every moment I’d feel I wasn’t important to you anymore that it just drove me mad and made me do dramatic things. That wasn’t a relationship was supposed to be and I’m sorry for putting you through that.

Lastly, I apologize to myself. Where we are right now is all my fault. I’m sorry we have lost our sense of self and sense of worth — no, in fact I’m sorry we didn’t have that for the last 19 years of our existence. Living up to expectations and following the rules of the society was the best I could do, what I’ve always thought was the right thing to do. Now we’re almost 20 and stuck at the phase of ‘figuring things out’ instead of facing adulthood with our head high, chest out and hands clasped on our waist. I’m sorry I’ve ruined most of our valued relationships. I’m sorry I didn’t know better.

But now I have the ability to.

This moement is not about making people see how much I’ve grown. It is about making people see the total opposite, the true state of what I am right now. I am a child learning its way into the world, not how it’s supposed to but how it freely chooses to.

Like what Audrey said in Pitch Perfect 2, “Sometimes you need to break things down before you can bring them back up.” And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I am not building myself up right now so I hope people don’t expect me to be mature, reliable and grown up. I am breaking myself down to have a fundamental understanding on how I react to situations to know where I feel genuine. Because I want to be genuine, not some trash or success story the circumstances shape me to be.

I am learning not to be dependent on the external forces that affect my everyday life. I am learning to be independent so that I can affect the external forces in my life. I trust that if I have a positive energy, I will attract positive energy. And by the time I reach that, I can learn to attain the supreme rule of life — interdependence.

It is a journey I do not expect to last within hours, days or months. I am not in a rush. I do not want this to be tactical decision. I want this to be a strategic direction. After all, I only have one lifetime to love. What do I have to live for afterwards?

It is not a journey I expect people to stick with me either. If you’re thinking I’m being difficult right now, imagine how I’m feeling handling myself right now. Haha. I’m draining almost 20 years of set paradigms and culture of what should be from my system.

 

 

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I love being in love with a human being

I love that I’m in love with a human being — not a robot who just follows my orders because I’m a girl to be pleased, not a pet who’s just there to spoil and comfort me. No. I’m in love with a human – one who functions without me, who comes back to tell me a different kind of adventure that I’m having. I’m in love with someone who is capable of scolding me for not taking off my slippers before I left my leg and sit on my office chair. I’m in love with someone who is capable of breaking my heart for not liking the movies I love. All of these are the best because it makes me feel like I’m in a relationship, and not in a puppy love kind of way but in an adult way. The kind where being with another human being excites you not because you have someone to simply spoil you, tell you sweet, mushy stuff, and gives you the attention you unhealthily crave. It is the kind where being with another human being is exciting because you absorb a different type of adventure and learning when he tells you about his day, his personality, his friends, his point of view and his feelings outside of you.

The Gray Area

What is the word for waiting for something that might never come? With all the interpretations in the world – hopeful, optimistic, stupid, or even being a hopeless romantic – no one can really tell the right word during the moment you’re waiting. I like to believe I’m being hopeful, reserved and respectable. But alone or not, influenced by environment or not, I know deep in my heart I’m lonely.

What is the word for being torn between having the courage to pursue a classic love and having the patience to pursue a future love that might never even exist? I like to believe that I’m bettering myself rather than running away by being in between. I like to believe that I can be strong against the temptation of familiarity, but I’ve always found my wings too damaged to go further anyway.

Is there such a thing as love being your primary destiny? Because the further away I go with everything else in my life, the less I feel happy and the less I feel complete. It’s not right. The logical part of my brain knows that. It’s not right to feel that way because love should come in harmony with life, it’s not supposed to be the main objective. Love is not something to be pursued, they said, but only people who pursue things get them.

Whenever I decide to look forward, I discover I don’t have the strength to go. The unfamiliar is scary when you want nothing more than just… stability. Maybe that’s why going back is so tempting. Being in the in-between is a struggle, but it’s safer than going either way. And maybe that’s the problem, safer is better. Adventure, excitement is only tempting when you’re in the height of it, but in truth it’s scary when you know what’s waiting in the end — heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak.

Maybe the career angle is my quick fix instead of addressing issues in my love life? What if it doesn’t matter to me as much as love does? But why go there when centuries have proven that it is never the right thing to do? Maybe all throughout this time I’ve thought I’m moving forward, I’ve never really moved?

Albert Einstein said that stupidity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. But what about that gut feeling – that maybe the next time around I could do it better. Maybe things could end up differently. Am I not supposed to satisfy that curiosity? And what if I do decide to do so, do I really have the courage to face the consequence of failing? So I go back – to the middle ground of doing nothing. Forever staying in the safe and never to the worst or great.

How do you escape a limbo when you’re too scared to face the pain of the consequence of leaving?

#24: Celebrating Myself

For most of us, intense pressure would make us question everything about ourselves. By that, I mean EVERYTHING! Going through one last night due to a bad day in law school, I was bombarded by my own mind with everything I did wrong in the past and with every achievement I had that was so insignificant to other people. They were all recurring to me like a nightmare – the voices of the people who made me feel diminutive over my own self, the feeling of wanting to shrink inside a shell and disappear into a steam out of embarrassment, the faces of people who broke me. It made me think: “Why am I always so weak?” “Why can’t people understand?” “Why can’t I cope up?” Bottom line the thought was: “Why am I always not enough?”

“Hold up,” I thought, “do you need to be?” And I answered quite immediately, “No.”

The thing is, you can never blame other people for how you end up in life. I knew that and what I did in response was always point the blame back to myself. And for everyone who’s thinking that’s good – you’re dead wrong. If my memory serves me right, I believe it was in the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People where I read that only when you blame no one, not even yourself, is when you really achieved maturity. How does that work? When you make a mistake, acknowledge it and move on. That’s it. When you linger in the moment of blaming yourself, that’s actually emotional abuse. The worst part is, you’re doing it on your own consent.

No one is perfect so don’t blame yourself for not being one.

I have made mistakes. I was not enough. But why would I torture myself over what I did years ago when I know in myself I’m not the same person anymore? I’ve reached the point of my life where I’m starting to realize what I love about myself and what I don’t. I might be a late bloomer but I work with what I have. Life isn’t a race, let others conquer life in their own phase and I’ll conquer mine on my own. Achieving success is both admirable for people who acquired it in a young age and even in a late age anyway.

So, do you know what is that I yearn to celebrate? My life of imperfection.

I haven’t offered my best for the past twenty years and I take that as a good thing. Because once you reach the ‘best’ you can only go downhill from there. And hell, I don’t intend to go downhill from my 20s! But it doesn’t give me the excuse to stay as is, because I know I want to be the best version of myself. Who wouldn’t?

I know it must be a terrible excuse for anyone I have ever injured over the past, and I’m not trying to pass it as one. In fact, I’m more than willing to make it up and apologize again. But none of that would work if they don’t let me. And by ‘let’ I hope people get that that is an openness thing in emotions, not just situational chances. So if you are reading this and I’ve injured you in any way, I beg you to tell me and give me a chance to reconcile. I would love nothing more.

But if there are things I would not apologize for – I would not apologize for being me. My attitudes change, my way of speaking and clothing change, my views in life will and definitely change as it always does, but I will not let my mistakes and insufficiencies define who I am anymore. Today I celebrate the very few things that makes me Gladys.

  1. I am idealistic – sue me. I am toning it down to be more realistic but I will never get rid of it. Being ideal is what makes me strive to be better. It’s what makes me hope, for humanity’s sake, that what is occurring at the very moment is not the best version of humanity. Because if it is, then we’re seriously screwed.
  2. I am sensitive – I definitely feel a lot but at least I’m not heartless. I’m working on controlling my emotions to handle situations better, but I will never get rid of something so beautiful – the ability to feel so much. It’s what gives me passion, it’s what’s enabling me to love the best way I can, it’s what’s making me see the possibilities of goodness in people, it’s what enables me to not judge people based on everything else other than how they treat other people.
  3. I ‘love’ too much (whatever that means) – and I will never apologize for that. Much like in the nature of truth: half the truth is still a lie. So is love. If love is given in half, it is not love at all. For I believe that if you have to moderate and put conditions on how you love, that is most certainly not love. * It is only appropriate to love the way you want to be loved.

What people fail to understand is that having one characteristic and/or personality will ALWAYS have an advantage and disadvantage. You can never have one without the other. It is yin and yang. What they also fail to give is the credit that some people are trying to live their lives conquering the ‘disadvantage’ parts of their personalities. If you only wish to see the best versions of people while wanting them to understand your worst, that’s just unfair if not hypocritical.

So yeah, I will always go up and down over and over and over again. If people around me are having a hard time coping up with that, I am having a harder time coping up with that. I am just as human as you are and none of us came in this world with a rule book on how to be ourselves. We just figure it out along the way and I’m in the processing of figuring out mine.

Here is twenty years of me, world.

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* For people reading this, I leave the credit to you that you know what pure love is and you are able to distinguish the difference between stupidity and love. It is a very subjective idea.

PS: Thank you Ms. Bianca Sparacino from ThoughtCatalog  for this inspiration. You fired up my heart and my pen!

 

Being Emotionally Turbulent in a Dysfunctional World

WARNING: Not suitable for audiences who dislike ranting.

For two almost four weeks now, I’ve been in the most emotionally distressing days of my life that my sister is actually calling this my delayed puberty stage. Probably because I haven’t really acted out before; to be fair though, I haven’t been this stressed before from various source. When my love life was crumbling beyond fixing, I was able to redirect focus on other things. Unfortunately for me at this moment, everywhere I turn my attention to is falling beyond repair.

The day before start of law school, I was so set at not going through for personal reasons. I wanted law school, but only in circumstances I so desire. For the first time I was gonna study a degree I actually wanted, I wanted to offer my very best and make it the best years of my life. But I was being forced to swallow through the pain of not getting that circumstance. That day, I just wanted to go away and didn’t come home. I went to a friend’s house and made arrangements of running away as soon as I could. But then again even if I could run away, I wouldn’t be able to do anything because my birth certificate was still defective. Getting a job anywhere would be a waste of effort even given my degree. So I came back. To be honest the only thing that made me thankful I went back was my little sister hugging me upon my return.

Kicking the week in law school were being forced out of the house we’ve been living in for ten years. A few months ago, my hypocrite of an uncle with his equally upsetting wife came to stay at the house. The favorites of my grandmother have taken residence at their intended heirloom and their forces altogether could not have destroyed my mother faster. My relatives being nice to our (me and my sisters) faces sickened me so much every time I remember the way they constantly talk about our family. If people could read it themselves without context, they would think we were the scum of the earth who never deserved to live. Those words came from the very people who goes to Church every Sunday by the way. They literally call us devils. We’ve been having peace in our residence for a decade, and the moment my uncle and his newlywed wife came to stay for just a little bit longer than what they used to… we’re being forced out. A witch grandmother do not just exist in Hansel and Gretel; and the evil queen can come in the world represented by uncle and aunt.

Following this incident was the resurfacing of my only love’s remembrance of pain. The phrase “I gave him plenty of chances of getting back with you but he didn’t want to…” coming from your past boyfriend’s current lover do not amiss in putting a blade through my already-fragile heart. After more than three years I was still being slapped with the reality that I was such a terrible girlfriend. Imagine the only person you love in this entire world happens to be the one who will never ever reciprocate your feelings again. There goes my love life down the trash chute and well on its way to the incinerator. The worst part is trying to ask comfort from your sisters and the only thing you’ll get back is total annihilation. Apparently, they’re allowed to be unwell from exes but I’m not. Apparently because I do not deal with love life the way they do, my problems aren’t valid. I love my sisters to death but you cannot count on them to be empathic in these types of things.

When school is a pain, family is a disaster and love life was wreaking havoc in my being, instead of turning to drugs and alcohol I turned my full focus in volunteer work three years ago. In all fairness, it really does get you away from being a delinquent when your world has gone topsy turvy. Unfortunately, I cannot turn towards it this time for it is also in the process of vomiting me out if its system. The ‘kuya’ who promised we’ll still be family despite leaving the branch turned immediately cold when he left. The president I was serving left me hanging without so much as a discussion before turning in his resignation leaving me with the responsibilities I cannot entertain entering law school. If my mom is learning not to trust promises from her mother, I learned not to trust promises from these people. Betrayal cuts deep. Now the organization I’m supposed to be the vice president are having events I only come to know in Facebook pictures. My invitation keeps getting lost in the mail, I think.

When all of these were spiraling, I have noticed a pattern. Whenever I turn to seek counseling from my sisters, I always get the response that somehow my concerns do not validate as problems because the family is going through worse. I am not allowed to have my own problems because they are not as big as everyone else’s so I tried testing this hypothesis. Because of the residence transition going slowly, I am away from internet most of the time. This has caused me to falter from my scholastic activities, and with my personality that was frustrating me. Being an academic was my thing and I could not do it right. When I talked to my sister about it, I faked my reaction, making it look like I don’t mind my problems because I recognize that she and my mom have bigger problems. The moment she actually clapped and praised me for being mature, I sincerely exploded inside. SO I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE HAVE BIGGER ISSUES. Fuck not having books at law school right? If only I could smash them inside my classes for them to realize they’re not the ones going through the frustration of it all. Again, I love my sisters to death but you cannot count on them to be empathic in these types of things.

Last night was the last straw. Law school is not the place where you can just show up and go with the ride without even knowing what the required reading was. It was all about advance studying, and even though nobody is giving me the credit for making up the loss of books by any means I could think of, I was trying to make do and I my efforts are still futile. So when I learned from my last subject that there was posted coverage of quiz that I wasn’t able to check because I didn’t have internet so late of notice, I came in knowing zit and failed my quiz. People had photocopies and books of these provisions from Rules of Court and that sent me panicking. If it wasn’t for a friend who convinced me to stay, I would’ve ran away.

Last night, I wasn’t able to sleep at all. It was emotionally disturbing to feel that despite efforts, I cannot cope up. And I’m supposed to understand I cannot buy books. I’m actually ashamed for graduating summa cum laude in my undergrad. I’m supposed to understand my problems are not valid because they’re not as big as what people around me are going through. This was what I was avoiding why I didn’t want to enter law school if we couldn’t do it. I wanted to enjoy law school, to fail knowing I was able to do my best, NOT CRAWL THROUGH IT. I wonder what would’ve happened if I held my ground. And maybe they’re right — maybe my problems are not valid.

I wish parents can see that their child is more than just a unit of a family. A child is an individual with own personality and feelings, with own ways of coping up and seeing things… not someone you can just morph into the family belief and family issues just because. Last night I decided I surrender… not just in law school, in life at its whole. I don’t want to play anymore. People are so good at invalidating my problems they only recognize it when it affects them, I can do that too. I’ll just keep failing at it until it goes away and invalidate THEIR problems.

To ‘The One’

First off, I hope you’re doing fine. Sorry, it’s taking me so long to be worthy of having you but I promise it’ll be worth the wait. I’m really working on a lot of personality development and it’s driving me crazy, trust me, but I’m not giving up until I get there.

I’m actually wondering what you’re doing right this very moment. I know it could be anything but you’re most probably asleep by now. What a lovely thought it is to think that one day I could be beside you and wake up next to your smiling, sweet face. Of course right now you’re probably dating other people, and that’s totally fine. Because no matter how much I want to be with you right now, I know I’m not ready. Even if you welcome me with open arms, I’m only going to self-destruct and ruin our relationship together. But hey, maybe you’re working on a lot of things within yourself too, and that’s great! 😀

Uhm, bottom line, all I really want to say is that I can’t wait to be with you but thank you for not being here yet. Thank you for letting me enjoy my youngest days. Thank you for making me create years and years of memories — happy, sad, and most often crazy memories — that I can share with you over dinner or movie for the rest of our lives. One day I’ll tell you about the day my life changed so dramatically, I’ll let you laugh at my embarrassment like how I was drenched inside our own house with a neighbor as my witness, and I’ll tell you the simplest things that make me crack up and tear up. One day, I’ll tell you how at this very night I gained more strength to overcome what I’m going through because I’m thinking about you.

So, live on, love. I can’t wait to hear all about your adventures when we start going out (or staying in if you’re an introvert like me). I’ll see you soon! :*

Free Flowing Thoughts

I was so happy working on my project. I am happy with everything going on and out of the blue my friend from the previous life decided to remind me that he loves his girlfriend very much, her and just her. Maybe it was the suddenness of it all but my chest contracted it felt like my heart was suffocating.

I need to write.

Every time something happens, it’s my first instinct to do so for it becomes my outlet.

Okay, I need funny pictures, horror stories, anything… Not just this again.

And so I browsed. My tight chest started to loosen, my breathing came back as I browsed through the funny pages. Then I came across this at my wordpress feed:

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And I laughed so hard. It felt good. So I stopped, and wrote to put an end to this silly heartbreak.

I’ve never gotten used to the heartaches of life, and it’s probably because of my principle that if I do then I’ve already accepted that the world is a cold, heartless place where hurting is okay. But I don’t want to remain broken either. Boy, am I truly glad that the internet is around to search for sunshine. What a time to be alive.

The last time something like this happened, I needed to heal for another seven months. But now I was healed for seven minutes. I felt like my brain just hi-fived my heart for being stronger now. I was reminded that bad days will always pass. The storm is finally ending, and what a perfectly spectacular double rainbow is that behind the dark clouds.

I smiled, I picked up my project and my tutor pinged back. I started this project because of that friend from the previous life. But he so clearly pointed out I was not in the picture so, too bad. I shall continue this project at my own volition.

Are you kidding? Why would I trade a future happy relationship where my man can kiss me good morning and cuddle me goodnight? Why would I trade a sweet, faithful gentleman over that? The illusion is fading and hope is at hand.

THIS has only made me stronger.

I’m okay 🙂 And I’m happy 🙂

My Graduation Celebration was a Fiasco of Selfishness

I’m not the type to like spotlights. I tend to see parties about me pointless as I have my own ways on celebrating victories. But one celebration back in the days, my family told me that celebrating with a party is not only about commemorating the occasion itself but to share that success with the people who helped and supported you to achieve the such. It was a moment of realization that:

a) being proud of one’s achievement is never wrong, to be happy about it is not wrong either

b) party celebrations are about the celebrant AND the people, not just one or the other

 

My 18th birthday arrived and as it is a special birthday in a woman’s life, it was a customary to celebrate it in an upgrade fashion. The thought of people rejecting my invitation was terrifying. The thought of having to socialize in the sea of people was exhausting, and the thought of avoiding social awkwardness was dreadful. Despite all of these, I pushed through with the right mindset that I shall have no expectations and simply do my best to be a good host. The night ended with me on my bed wearing a huge smile on my face and overflowing happiness in my heart. I promised myself I’ll be a better host next time and just have fun.

 

I knew I only had two crucial occasions in my life to constitute a party celebration – my turning-of-age and my college graduation.

 

Yesterday came. It was my college graduation day. I went to a colleague’s grad party a week before and seeing that our common friends took time to attend his ceremony and inquiring about whether they could go to mine, I reserved ten seats for additional guests. Nobody arrived. People soon texted and messaged and chatted apologies for cancelling their commitments. But that morning I promised myself that I would not let anything ruin my day, so I kept moving. I had already invited guests for my simple celebration that evening and there is in no way in hell I’d let anything go wrong. I was following the credo that a celebration is about the celebrant AND the people so I wanted to feel happy and make everyone happy. A few hurdles arrived but I breezed through them with this mindset as motivation.

 

At first everything was going well, I was shifting from one table to another and approached anyone trying to single themselves out. I was able to resolve important issues with high school batchmates and it brought me such huge relief that I can begin the next chapter of my life leaving those issues behind. Everyone was chatting, eating merrily, dancing and laughing. I was happy, and I was happier seeing the people I care about happy and celebrating with me. But then the surprise came.

 

A close friend of mine (who happens to like me very much) set up this big surprise for me at my room. After their set up I entered the room with the feeling of joy seeing cut outs and letters posted on my bedroom wall, and a teddy bear with roses on my bed. I appreciated the gesture very much and I expressed it to him dearly. After so, we rejoined the other guests and there were only two circles left. My RCY friends and my high school friends. As the RCY circle were very much capable of turning the party into a party, I spent most sorting out issues with my high school batchmates and catching up after missing out on years of connection. Everything was going very well until my previous boyfriend arrived.

 

See, my RCY group is very close with the person who surprised me. Apparently, they favored him very much that as soon as I got down from the surprise, they filled my ears with how wonderful it was of him to put such an effort for the said surprise and they were witnesses to it. Soon I was in a hot seat with the said person as a witness while they grill me on questions about love and relationships specifically between him and my previous boyfriend. I was tearing up but I held on, smiled and answered honestly. But I was crushing inside because I was clear with the said person that I was not in any way having romantic attractions with him. I was crushing because they were saying offending things about my previous boyfriend within his hearing range and I knew it was unfair for them to judge him so because it was my fault that I’ve showed them how suicidal, depressed and struggling I was when we broke up. I was crushing because they were putting me in a position to confirm any romantic attraction with a person I had clear terms with that we’re just going with the ride and see where it leads.

 

While all of these were going on, the circle of friends whom I thought was my family started leaving. The other reason I was fine with spending more time with my high school batchmates was because they’re not staying for the night and I have the rest of the night ’til morning with my RCY group to make it up. In the end, they all left. The PLMUN friends and my high school batchmates were the ones who stuck with me ’til morning. Every batch of them leaving was sending shoots of tears and chest aches. Here is the group of people I thought who valued me.

 

Apparently everything became worse when I had the chance to talk one-on-one with my ex for kind of a closure. He was never going to show up but the series of events led him in doing so and it was the only chance I saw to finally put the matters to rest. I was beginning a new chapter and I didn’t want to have a baggage. Since they were very close with the friend who surprised me, the friend became so down in the dumps seeing the two of us talk privately, the entire RCY group was empathizing with him that their energy also went down. When I was asking the said friend what’s wrong to open up what’s bothering him, our foundation of honesty broke down and he just kept smiling and saying everything was fine even though it wasn’t.

 

It was not about me or my guests celebrating anymore. It was about his feelings and my villainy.

 

It was very considerate of him to put an end to whatever our deal was at the end of the day, so I slept feeling self-destructed and in tears. This morning I asked my PLMUN friends if they had fun when they quietly nodded and one of them slipped saying ‘only this morning.’ (Because I was with them one long moment this morning before they left)

 

As soon as everyone left, I broke down and I was left with the following emotions:

 

1. The crushing pain that comes with the realization that I am not as important and valuable as I thought with the group I thought I was. With so much rejections that day and nobody staying, with the pressure of pushing me into a relationship I’m not ready, with the pressure of putting someone’s heart as my responsibility… I just broke down.

2. The outmost guilt I have for showing so much vulnerability during my ‘moving on’ phase to them that I wasn’t able to highlight enough the good things my previous boyfriend just to balance the scale because they now they’re seeing him as a huge a****** instead of a decent human being with issues just like everyone else.

3. The guilt that I wasn’t able to be a good enough host to make everyone feel happy and not leave any group behind.

4. The feeling of regret why I let my relationship with the person who surprised me foster when I knew from the start this ending bitterly was a possibility. The feeling of inadequacy that even though I tried every step of our journey together to be completely honest, transparent and making sure that we’re always on the same level of expectations, apparently were all useless. I am now the girl who broke an innocent person’s heart in the eyes of the many who only see his efforts.

5. The feeling of getting so sick of apologizing for everything I’m doing that makes sense to me but does not to others even though it has nothing to do and/or SHOULD HAVE NOTHING to do with them anyway.

6. The realization that even if you only ask the people around you to prioritize you for very few chosen moments of your lives that are most important, you will not get it.

 

Right now, all I want is to just drop everything and stop apologizing for being myself and for being who I am, stop letting other people’s unhappiness get in the way of mine, and stop all the pretentious relationships that show facades of appreciation and love when it’s nothing more than just a conditioning. And so I shall.

Loving the Simple Moments

Once in a while, we get moments so extraordinary– so uplifting and joyous that make us post happy thoughts. Once in a while we get the opposite, and for most of the time, it’s all the boring everyday routine of what we’re eating and stuff like that. But what made me post, at the middle of my struggle to keep awake, is what lies in the middle.

Once in a while we get the moments so simple but make us love life as it is. For me, today was a collection of those moments.

Moment #1: Reunited ❤

It’s been a busy semester for me and my sis. If we had a hard time keeping up with our monthly movie date before, this semester before both of our graduation made it really impossible. In all honesty I was already getting cold feet and feared that I was already forgotten. Today being reunited with her on our ‘tradition’ and just enjoying catching up over lunch and ice cream made me feel guilty of even thinking I could live my life without her.

Moment #2: Casual Talk

After meeting up with my sis I passed by the PRC Muntinlupa City Branch office to see my dearest kuya. I never really see people or go to places unless I have to  (typical introvert of me) but today I just really missed him so much I decided to do so. Two things: One, having casual talks isn’t so bad after all; two, dropping by once in a while to do something nice for a friend and just… talk…feels fulfilling.

Moment #3: Meeting New People

Yes, I have social anxieties so bad that meeting new people (especially out of the blue) actually terrifies me. After dropping by the branch I fortunately passed by a 7-11 store and stumbled upon a new friend of mine. He was with his gym buddy whom I also had the pleasure of meeting that very moment. I’m usually the type who awkwardly says hi and find some reason to exit the situation right away before I do more awkward stuff. Social conventions aren’t really my thing. It’s a small step out of the comfort zone, but for me it’s a huge victory not to embarrass myself and not to have people’s first impression of me to be unapproachable. I congratulate myself for not being a total awkward moose. :3

Moment #4: Baby’s New Haircut

My siblings and I decided to check on our parents and baby brother in the shop when we saw his adorable new look. My family is going through a crisis, but at that one moment we were cooped up in a small room (really, really small) laughing. No matter where we are and no matter how grave the situation is, we always manage to have these happy moments.

Moment #5: My Dean’s Compliments

As soon as I got home, I received a notification at Instagram. My dean regrammed a picture where my classmates and I were announced we passed a certification/licensure thing. Also, two things: One, the words she expressed to me alone were so overwhelming. For all the past years, I’ve never entered her office to brag about anything because I’ve felt that it’s always not enough to make her proud. Two, the quote she used described me perfectly and I’m glad that despite the negativity of the fact that I’m underutilizing myself, she manages to give me a positive outlook. I’ve under-delivered my school life during college, despite that she still believed I have something greater in me. I’m working on it 🙂

A few days ago I was so lonely when I was faced with the confrontation that I needed to stop being so idealistic about life and be more in touch with reality. This was so upsetting because being idealistic was one of the things I loved about myself. But it was also that moment that made me embrace the person I want to be.

Being idealistic was the part of me that made volunteering so fulfilling, the part that makes me stick to my ethics, the part that makes me a better writer than a speaker in terms of expression. I love it because it’s what makes me appreciate these little things — the simple moments, the small victories — of everyday interaction. It’s my fuel when I lack motivation, my strength to love 100% and my compass to the decisions I’m emotionally comfortable of making. I would not give it up even when the world crumbles, because that is me. I do need to be more realistic, and I thank the people who made me realize that. But I’ll do it in a degree I’m comfortable of doing, but there are just things I would rather not give up.

If being idealistic makes me vulnerable because I rely too much on emotions, then I’m glad that those emotions make me appreciate these simple moments that other people might not to get me through. It’s like looking life through a kaleidoscope, at least it’s not boring.

I was never important

I’m beginning to grow tired at the young age of 19. Whether I’m a typical teenager going through a phase or an old soul trapped in a young body is irrelevant to me at this point. I’m exhausted. For the first time in almost fourteen years of formal education, I can actually feel my soul deflate and crack. The type of weariness that only comes after years of putting up with everything and by the end you let yourself take a break because finally you can.

I am the type of person that practically goes visible and invisible at the same time. It’s simple. You go visible enough to work hard, earn good grades, join clubs here and there, just enough visibility to be more than average. But at the same time I’m the invisible one that no one really cares to be persuasively invited into other people’s most intimate circle of friendship, the must-have of any social circle. I could quit and disappear and doubt that anyone with sincerely bat an eyelid. I’m that person whose achievements rarely get appreciated because I was expected to. The congratulations are social conventions that do not even justify my efforts… Because it was expected. Other friends in the circle get so much appreciation and so much questions how they did it but when I mention mine there was very little to ask…. Because it was expected. Nobody would even question how hard it was nor recognize how many times I broke down and cried to achieve one thing. It’s honestly hard to be proud about something people think is easy for one to achieve.

In the end, it makes me question if ever anybody really knows me. Because if they do, they’d know how much it means to me to achieve something I’ve worked hard on. They’d know how much it hurts to hear them take very lightly of my achievements when I’ve busted my ass off. But at the end of the day when I finished my final defense, the circle of friends I thought was my family barely got excited for me. Other things were more important. Just for some of the times that really count, I wish I could be important as well. I wish nobody would expect so they’d see how hard it is it took me to win. This is probably the reason why I’m growing cold to them. I couldn’t cry for them anymore… But a facade goes on.

I’ve grown weary deep down. I’m beginning to be uncaring and cold and distant the more they accept the mascot I’m portraying that I’m alright the way they dismiss me.

I am THAT type of person. The type an institution can boost when it is for their best interest and image. But the type of person that does not get an invitation to join the search for a most outstanding bs while others get informed. It’s confusing to know when you matter and when you do not.

But now, I’m beginning not to give a crap. I’m exhausted and I’m retreating back while I let my shell face the them. Nobody… Will ever get close to me again the way I let them before. Nobody from them will ever know when I’m being real or not. Because that’s how shallow they’ve been to me.

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